


I Would Find It Easier To Justify Making You Disappear (But I Never Do It In Time)

by Frost_Felon



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V
Genre: AU, Abandonment, Abandonment Issues, Abuse, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Anxiety, Autophobia, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Family, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Neglect, Parent-Child Relationship, Physical Abuse, Reunions, Roleswap, Roleswap AU, Sibling Bonding, Strained Relationships, sibling relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9923174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frost_Felon/pseuds/Frost_Felon
Summary: Zarc’s sense of humor would be best described as vicious, and before his past self had even reawakened, Yuya and his father had learned this the hard way. (Roleswap AU, in which Yuya was "born" into the Akaba family.)





	1. A Harmonizing Identity

       At age six, Yuya had learned many things about his world—he understood that he was nowhere near knowledgeable in the way an eighteen-year-old is, or as experienced as a forty-year-old is, but despite the limits of his short time in the world and less-extensive mental faculties, he had learned to understand people, even if at times he felt like he knew nothing, and could not know anything.

       And at age six, Yuya had learned some of the intricacies of the most important setting of his life: his home. Five-thirty A.M. summoned his mother and father from sleep, upon which they would spend thirty minutes getting ready for their day. Upon the start of six o’clock, Yuya’s older brother would wake up, and after twenty minutes of his own preparation, his elder would go on to wake Yuya up at around six twenty-five. On some occasions, Yuya would be allowed to sleep in for five minutes more, often on holidays; however, sometimes, Yuya was allowed to sleep in on a day with no important events of any kind. In the few times he would open his eyes to see his brother’s expression, the elder would have a small smile on his face, and a warmth that never failed to brighten Yuya’s day. Usually, they did not exchange words, but on a number of days that could be counted on Yuya’s tiny fingers, little things would be exchanged.

       “ _You seem tired—Mom and Dad won’t be in here just yet, so, why don’t you take your time?_ ” His brother’s voice was not quite quiet, not quite the average volume, but Yuya knew it was whole and soft, tinged with familial love that he would go on to hold as a cherished memory for years. In the future, when a new brother joined the family—a boy seven years younger than he—Yuya sought to pass on those memories to his younger brother. Yuya always wanted to make sure that his family knew that he loved them. ( _Always and forever._ )

       Emotions were of great importance to Yuya, and he especially wished to draw out the more positive feelings from the people around him, no matter his age. To make sure that he could do this, he studied the expressions and body language of others intently; he fought to understand their behaviors, their habits, routines and dances of the mind and body into that which we know in a word as a “person”. Yuya paid the most attention to his family, and he beamed, delighted, when he had managed to understand their complexities enough to make them smile or laugh or connect with him in a way that made the shared moment all the sweeter. But even when he messed up, it didn’t matter. When he couldn’t inspire the feelings he wished to never stop giving, couldn’t convey his love for the people around him in a way they would understand and react to, he would learn, and he would become better. That was his self-imposed role, like his older brother’s role as Yuya’s guide to things he didn’t understand; like his mother’s role of the caretaker, of the protector, who would always find a way to remind him what his goals for the day should be and that it was okay that he didn’t have many friends yet, he’d explore the public world and spread his social wings when old enough to withstand the hurricane that was the cruelty of others. Like his father, who gave him advice on even the silliest things when Yuya asked and was always there in his study or the boardroom when Yuya needed him, because the other men and women his father talked to could wait in the face of his tearful son. Yuya would never interrupt his father’s sessions when he didn’t need to, but his father always understood when he did.

       Every once in a while, his father would tuck him in instead of his mother, and Yuya would once again ask for advice, even if he wasn’t sad or afraid. He wanted to know what his father thought of his rudimentary, yet earnest, future plans, and what he thought Yuya could do to improve them. Did he notice how his older son was lost in thought today? _No, he didn’t, but he would be sure to talk to the boy as well after settling Yuya in_ ; _he may be busy_ , he would say, _but that was no excuse not to reach out to his family_. Oh, but was Papa responsible for Mama’s upbeat attitude today? _Why, yes, he was_ , as Papa had spoken with Mama that they would all be able to have a free day together soon, and that he was planning to take them somewhere special. Yuya would be attentive to his father’s words, and hoped that his Papa did not have the same regard for the time; it wasn’t that he meant to tire his father, no, but every bedtime moment that Yuya prolonged to spend time with his Papa felt like a treasure. It never bothered his father, who would always leave around eleven o’clock to meet with his own bed, anyway. Papa understood him, and when he would pat Yuya on the head just before leaving, Yuya felt like he understood the light pressure of his father’s hand on his head just as well.

       And so, when Yuya heard noises from his father’s work room at some awful time in the morning that no small child should ever wake up to, that his family should have already been asleep at, Yuya knew something was wrong. Heavy footfalls resounded from the study, but they were fast-paced; they could be his father’s, maybe, or a stranger’s. But their security was excellent, so it was unlikely to be anyone other than his father. And if his Papa was roaming around at a time he reserved for sleeping, then his Papa must not be feeling well. It was Yuya’s duty, as his Papa’s son and hug-giver, to make sure that his Papa felt better. His mentality was only further validated when, just outside the door of his father’s study, Yuya heard hitching noises that sounded quite like the distraught sobs his father had once made when Yuya had gotten lost in an unfamiliar town; his father hadn’t been able to find him for hours, and both of them had been reduced to tears during the confusion. Except, this time, it almost sounded to Yuya like his Papa’s choking came from an even deeper place, tinged with something he couldn’t quite identify, and that made Yuya’s throat constrict with a pain of his own.

       Upon opening the door, Yuya knew at once that the night would be seared into his very core, damaging him in ways he didn’t want to comprehend. His father was clutching his head and his chest, and though he did not howl with the agony his face suggested, in between his sharp gasps were near-incoherent mutterings quickly spat out like hot coals, and Yuya became truly afraid when his father stopped for a moment to look up. His father sported eyes of deathly fear, and then once the man locked onto his young son, the terror sharpened into _fury_. Yuya almost became rooted to the spot, but desperate to comfort his father and find out what was hurting him, he rushed forward.

       In Yuya’s future nightmares, the moment that his father had swung at him with an enraged cry of a name the six-year-old could not recognize until nearly a decade later would become a moment he would revisit far, _far_ too many times. On nights in which he dreamt of this day, he’d find himself at his isolated room’s sole windowsill, knees curled inward to his chest, running his hands through his hair as the ocean breeze managed to waft in. If he mumbled an apology every once in a while, or a few words of anger towards his father who wasn’t there, well, it didn’t matter; no one was anywhere near him around that time, anyway, barring the occasional guard. But in the now, little Yuya could only clutch his cheek and stare at a man who almost couldn’t see that he’d hit his son, and not a phantom of the past. As his father came back to his senses and began to reach out for his son with hesitation, his visage that of horrified confusion, Yuya came to realize that he may have never understood at all the man that was ( _Wasn’t?_ ) his father: Akaba Leo.


	2. You Always Get In My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...Yuya looked away and said nothing."
> 
> Avoidance doesn't work when you both know something must be done.

Yuya couldn’t have missed the way his brother stared at him with worry in the proper morning. And he couldn’t really fault his brother for that, given the bruising, remnants of a split lip, and still fairly swollen cheek he was sporting; it’d only been a few hours, and even though Yuya felt tired, he hadn’t been able to get any sleep after what had happened with his father, so he must have looked even worse. His brother kept trying to ask about it, but Yuya looked away and said nothing. Papa had just been confused, and he had patched him up when he’d calmed down, so Yuya would pretend that it didn’t really matter. There was no use in trying to keep his brother from worry, but there was no gain in confirming that their father had struck him, when all it would do would be to make Reiji upset. Mama already was, after all.

His mother had awoken to the sounds of crying and frantic, half-hushed murmurs, which then caused Yuya to be introduced to one of the most uncomfortable experiences of his life. He’d been cradled by his mother as she chewed out his father in furious whispers, as if it was possible that Reiji hadn’t also been awoken by the sounds when his room wasn’t that far from Yuya’s. In fact, Yuya knew that Reiji had heard at least some of the exchange, and definitely some of Yuya’s sobs, as Yuya had seen Reiji peering through the slightly-ajar door towards the end of their mother’s discussion with their father. Yuya had seen Reiji look nervous before, but Reiji had been very, _very_ still, to the point where—among everything else—it had begun to unnerve Yuya. Reiji had snuck back to his room before either of their parents had exited the kitchen, but Yuya had read the way that his mother’s lips tightened and saw his father’s quick glance to the door when they had finally noticed Reiji’s _almost_ inaudible breathing. Yuya had done nothing but clutch at the bag of ice he had held up to his cheek, just a bit more firmly.

Regardless of what everyone else thought, Yuya knew that his Papa hadn’t meant to hurt _him_. Yuya had just been too quick in his actions, too reckless to respect his Papa’s space when he had needed it, when the invisible phantoms clawing at his father had been swarming his vision. He’d wanted to comfort his Papa, but his actions had cost them any peace they could have regained from the frightful witching hour that had haunted them both. But Yuya wouldn’t dwell on it, because it didn’t matter. It wasn’t as if he’d be leaving their house today, anyway, so anyone who hadn’t seen his marks already would never.

“…Yuya?” His brother’s voice reached him as his face slowly came into Yuya’s view, apparently trying to not startle him.

“Sorry,” Yuya mumbled, the same level of quiet he’d carried through their previous short-lived conversations earlier. “F-for not paying attention; ‘m not feeling well.” His hesitant statement was met with an equally uneasy smile that didn’t reach past the usual line of Reiji’s mouth, never mind his eyes. Yuya felt bad about it, but didn’t offer anything back.

“That’s—” ( _Don’t say ‘okay’_ , please.) “…what I was trying to ask you about, Yu; actually, I think you’re going to pass out soon.” ( _Oh._ ) “Do you want to go back to your room? Or, we can head over to mine, if you think that’d be better.”

Sadly, Yuya couldn’t just leave his brother without an answer, but his stomach churned in a stifled, anxious manner as Yuya finally made eye contact with Reiji and faintly replied, “No, I—I-I’m going to be okay.” Both of them winced at ‘ _going to be_ ’, though Reiji was better at hiding his momentary frown. “I’ll go take a nap after lunch, and…I’ll see you again when I wake up. …I’m sorry.” Reiji’s face flashed briefly with hurt, but whether it was because Yuya wouldn’t tell him anything or because Yuya clearly was in barely-restrained distress, he wasn’t sure. He swallowed when his throat tightened, and futilely tried to convince himself that Reiji wouldn’t notice, when he knew that his brother was just as good, if not better, at reading people’s anxieties than Yuya was.

Yuya glanced towards his food, nibbling on it half-heartedly, saying nothing, and Reiji let him be.

Nightmares did not hound Yuya like he had thought they would, at least from what he could remember; but his body was still coiled enough to inform him that he hadn’t forgotten any dreams, either. Instead, Yuya had lost five hours of time to nothing, and felt restless upon waking. There was no chance that he would seek out his brother, not when he felt like he would just start tearing up, but his mother was busy, he knew, throwing herself into the work that she had barred his father from participating in. Yuya would not bother her, and instead resigned himself to performing an action he knew she wouldn’t approve of; making his way to his father’s bedroom, head lowered and lip trembling in pensive anticipation.

After he gently knocked on the door, Yuya waited for minutes on end, but stayed resolute in his patience. ( _Papa can’t be anywhere else, he was sure, and attempted to think of anything but the real reason as to why his Papa wasn’t answering._ )

 

If he lied to himself, Akaba Leo could very well pretend that he had only ever had two children in his lifetime; but what a lie that that would be, as he’d have to exclude his only, wonderful ( _non-existent_ ) daughter that he had started to remember around seven months ago.

For nearly a year now, he’d been having strange dreams and flashes of a past formerly hidden from him, though he supposed he could have been dreaming of his returning memories for longer. Leo felt sure that he had been brushing off some of the earliest remembrances, of which he was barely able to hazily recollect that he had had, and likely let others fall through the cracks in his mind. He hadn’t yet thought to log those instances, to keep track of the time, and though he had become embroiled with fervor for his past, he couldn’t quite muster the energy to regret his dismissal of them. Not when he was currently locked into a dilemma in trying to decide if he should open his door for a son he had slugged not even half a day before, facing a little boy ( _You know what he really is_ —) he had hurt, or ignoring him to spare his own mounting confusion. Leo had rarely ever felt as conflicted as he had these past two months, but then, he’d never dealt with a situation in which his son that didn’t yet reach his waist had, in a past life, nearly led Leo to his death and most assuredly had managed to do so with his ( _Too young to die, too old to forget._ ) daughter.

When he had started to recall Zarc, it had always been brief—Ray had told him of the young man (—a Demon.) back when he had just been ‘Fun Duelist, Zarc’, and not ‘Ruler of the Ring, Zarc’, or ‘Undefeatable Abomination, Zarc’. Ray had lost to him, then, but had enjoyed it thoroughly, and discussed with Leo, “ _Papan, wouldn’t it be nice if more people could duel with energy like he did?_ ” The first time he had remembered this memory, it’d been a moment he had basked in, allowing himself to relive the sweeter moments of the times he’d forgotten; however, his most recent remembrances had thrown it into a harsher view. He thought back to how she had been several months later—intentionally distancing herself from Zarc and his imitators. But even though she had never fought Zarc again until their final duel, the violence of the arena had become like a riptide; she wasn’t able to swim away, having to fight to not be pulled under the waves, instead. In the end, no one was able to, and she had chosen to dive right in and drown Zarc with her as Leo was forced to watch.

Yusho has described himself to Leo before as a man who strove to make wishes and dreams come true, in and out of the ring; but even Yusho would have a hard time making Leo’s wish—to have been able to spend at least one last moment with his daughter—come true. Leo would give anything to have that. ( _You will/you can’t—think nothing of it._ )

Leo’s swarming thoughts were disrupted as he once again heard a knock at the door, this time accompanied by a soft, barely audible, “Papa…?” Deciding in that moment to not put the matter off any longer, Leo rose; yet before he could actually reach for the doorknob, the voice called out, a little louder,

“Are you sleeping?” As the door had muffled Yuya’s voice, Leo had missed the inflection on sleeping, an unsteadiness present in both speaker and listener.

When he had finally opened the door, it was to the sight of his son engulfed in red-green hair and a thick, near-tattered, orange blanket; he remembered that Himika had bought it with him several years ago in anticipation, eyes alight with joy upon the day they’d learned she was pregnant with their second child. Reiji, so much younger then (just a toddler), had been a bit confused with the change in his parents’ behaviors, but had smiled and been more than happy to accompany them to the shopping center. Yuya had loved it as an infant, and that hadn’t changed upon becoming a young boy, as he would often drag it with him everywhere, getting it dirty and torn-up in the process. Truth be told, they were never able to separate him from it, no matter what approach they had used. Leo hadn’t been able to even when Yuya had nearly burned both the blanket and the house down by putting it on a still-lit, open lamp. On that day, Leo’s voice had reached an octave he hadn’t known he was capable of.

But Yuya, wrapped in this blanket now, looked anything but joyous or stubborn. Every line in his body was tense, Yuya was coiled, ready to spring away ( _Don’t ever co_ —stop.), and could be well-described as miserable, fearful, anxious, and yet, ready. Both were in turmoil, but all that Leo could force out was,

“Do you need something?”

He couldn’t even look him in the eyes now, not when they were golden in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now, everyone--I hope this chapter hit all the right spots for you! Truth be told, I wanted this out much earlier (which it would've been today, if not for my connection issues), but the trouble came when I hit Leo's part. Or rather, when he stated talking about Zarc and Ray; there was going to be more on Zarc, including at least one of my headcanons, but he said, "No." Really, though, I had the Yuya & Reiji part as well as the 'Yuya steels himself' part done the day after the first chapter was posted. And then I got busy. Honestly, I'm probably going to edit and revise this chapter sometime in the future, but for now, I just want it done so you guys don't have to wait too much. And speaking of you guys, what do you think? I really like the first part and some bits of the third myself, but what are your favorite concepts/lines? Also, since I only realized this, like, hours after I had originally posted the first chapter, Zarc actually does have a good, if twisted, sense of humor: the Akaba family has a Suit of Cards theme, with Reira as Club, Himika as Heart, Reiji as Diamond, and Leo as Spade. And in a standard four-suit deck with 54 cards, Yuya would be the Jokers! Do you guys think Ray fits in there somewhere? If as a suit, I guess she'd be the Spade, which actually makes Reiji's position sadder.
> 
> And once again, the chapter title is from Go! Child's I.D. All of them likely will be, honestly; the song really does hit just about every theme this story 'll go over, and encapsulates a lot of the emotions involved, despite the likely differences in the contexts.
> 
> Oh, and, uh, does anyone know how to put lines breaks here? I hate the awkward fix I'm going to have to make for now, so if you know the HTML for that and would be willing to tell me, that'd be swell. As well as why the indents aren't working when they did in the last chapter...hoo boy.
> 
> Thank you guys for reading and your support!

**Author's Note:**

> So, for quite some time now since entering the fandom, I've been wanting to make several AUs of ARC-V, especially this one, as I absolutely adore Roleswaps. Now that I've actually found the time and inspiration to make this, I hope to present my ideas to the rest of the fandom. Additionally, since the timeline is vague about when exactly Leo leaves Standard, I'll be having him leave sometime between when Reiji is 8 and 9/Yuya is 6 and 7. When he DOES leave, he'll be taking Yuya to Fusion with him, thus meaning that the relationships between Yuya, Yuzu, and Gongenzaka (as well as the You Show Duel School, and so on) are quite different in this AU. The nature of Yuri's background and enrollment at Academia will also be different, though he should still be recognizable as the same person, but under different circumstances, as Yuya will be. Yuto will also have his backstory actually explained at some point. For more information, you can ask me questions here or at my Tumblr (frost-felon).
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll include any pairings or other romance, though I have a feeling that I will at least be including some Smileshipping when the story is focused on Standard, Yusho, and/or Yoko. Therefore, until anything of that sort actually happens, this will be labeled as Gen.
> 
> And my apologies if the ending of this chapter seems a bit weird, when you already know that Leo is Yuya's father; it just seemed to fit. If you've got any concerns, criticisms, or even just little comments, please share them, as I'd love to improve my writing and delivery. Thank you very much for reading!
> 
> Oh, and as a side-note: the story title and several of the chapter titles, including this one, are based on the wonderful song, "I.D." by Go! Child. While the song doesn't fully apply to this story, several of its lyrics and themes do. If you've got time, check it out for free on Youtube at Knitting Giant Beanies' channel!


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